


Every death is a new birth

by ClaireMorgan



Series: Open Again [4]
Category: Suspiria (1977), Suspiria (2019)
Genre: Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Lesbian Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-15 09:08:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17525837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireMorgan/pseuds/ClaireMorgan
Summary: Balance has to be found again now that Mother Suspiriorum took her place; some things must change, but others can not help but stay the same.





	1. After the storm

**Author's Note:**

> Set just after the end of the movie.

She was walking towards the grand building; passing under the bridge, following the wall, up to the glass doors and into the hall. It had been raining all morning, and the streets were damp. “Just like the day I got here”, she thought. 

She was indeed walking, but it seemed like she floated; as if her feet were not touching the ground, and by her sole presence the storm moved over, letting the light come in. When she opened the main door the whole place trembled; of fear, love, of a need to obey and please. A thousand faces turned, ready to serve their mistress. 

\- Take me to her. 

Her voice resonated, and they were all there looking; each and everyone of them, even her younger daughters who had forgot it all. 

\- Yes, please come with me. 

The misses were eager to help, leading their Mother up the stairs, and down many hallways, finally reaching the room where Madame Blanc was kept; damaged but still there. The door opened with a creaking sound; their eyes met.

\- It’s you.  
\- It’s me. 

She leaned over and kneeled; a soft hand holding her lover’s face, whose neck was now intact, as if nothing had happened. Only the stream of dried blood running down her dress remained. 

\- I shouldn’t have let them hurt you. I’m sorry.  
\- Mother…  
\- Please call me Susie.  
\- Susie… you don’t have to be sorry. Not with me. 

She smiled, but seemed confused, and somehow upset; trying to explain, maybe. “My dear angel, you don’t need to”, thought Susie. 

\- And call me Veva. Please.  
\- Veva. My love. None of this has anything to do with you. Markos had to be punished. But there is some good in all this mess: we’ve found each other. Again.

Their hands were now tied, in a way that appeared indissociable. 

\- Susie, I… I never meant to leave you, I never wanted to I just… I didn’t know. It was so hard, those two times, to go away, without you. Even harder the last time when I stayed up all night trying not to reach out for you. And I didn’t, I couldn’t possibly see why you were so… intoxicating to me, so I…  
\- I know. I understand. It doesn’t matter now.  
\- It does. For me. Just tell me what to do, anything, to make it back to you I…  
\- I don’t need your promises. I trust you. All of those people, they’re just tokens on a chessboard. Just pawns. We don’t want to hurt them. But we both know they’re not important. Not in the bigger picture. Unlike us. 

The wind was blowing loud outside, and through the thin walls its song could be heard; filling out the silence. But still it was not an empty silence, not just an absence of sound but a meaningful pause, so heavy with significance that the fate of the world could have been decided at this very moment. 

\- In this game there are no kings. Just a queen and her…  
\- Knight. I’ll be your knight. 

Susie sprang from the ground, started ranging across the room; lost in deep thoughts it seemed, or maybe blinded by some new and baffling anger.

\- You don’t get it do you? I don’t need protection now. 

Her voice was calm, but her words were sharp, and unveiled her wrath. “She was never like that before”, thought Veva. Different or the same, she was bound to her nevertheless.

\- I know, I… I tried to protect you when I thought you were vulnerable, I won’t do it again. I’ll just do as you command, as…  
\- We’ll build a new world together. We’ll reign. If you’re up to the task.  
\- Susie. Look at me. 

She stared at the window for a few more seconds, but finally looked over. 

\- My darling, you have all this power now, and you probably had it all the way, though it mustn’t change the core of your being. You’re a good person, Susie. I saw it. 

Veva could not read her lover’s eyes like she did before, since now all those emotions were tangled together; an unstoppable fury, a growing rage, coupled with a desperate sadness, and maybe still a need to understand, to live, to be loved. Like any other. There were now tears in those eyes; at least it looked like it from a distance. Was any of this coming through, then?

\- I understand that sometimes we just have to do what needs to be done, and you did. However, when this has been taken care of, we can actually do some good in the world. You can do good. Please tell me that is your wish. And that you want to do it with me. 

This had not calmed the soul living in that young girl’s body, but she had to look away not to dive too far into Veva’s eyes. 

\- What do you know of me? How can you know I did not let you see what I needed you to see, and nothing more? 

There was a long and heavy silence; Susie was looking out, gone into an unreachable haven, or maybe the darkest pit of her mind, while Veva was still staring at her, with pain in her eyes. Susie turned to her, as if she felt her look of sorrow. But comfort was not her intention; she needed to make her understand, she was the one in charge now. 

\- I will do as I please, as long as I want. If you’re with me, it’s all the way. For everything, and for anything; you must embrace the past, taste the present and head to the future, in order to move forward. In my direction.  
\- I will. But Susie just… Just tell me what you want. No, tell me… if all of this was not how it is, what would you want?  
\- Right now?  
\- Yes. In this very moment, with me, in this room.

She walked up to her and whispered in her ear. 

\- You. I want you. 

She climbed on her lover’s legs and stood, sitting on her lap, staring at her from above. She slipped a finger under her lover’s dress, diving deep inside of her. The woman moaned loudly and threw her head back, her eyes closing for a moment; then opening again, glancing to Susie with a small smile. 

\- What are you doing?

Power did not sleep in the same bed anymore. Its new proud owner was only starting to taste it, but it seemed like she already enjoyed its flavour; she was getting up to leave without a look behind. 

\- I’ll come and see you later. If I feel like it.


	2. Through this everlasting mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madame Blanc goes to visit Susie when she is summoned; they both have wants, needs, and things to say.

The night was well settled when a voice leached into Veva’s head.

\- Come. 

It was undeniably Susie’s, abruptly interrumpting Veva’s thoughts, but not her sleep; she could not even close her eyes at that moment, and had not fallen asleep more than two or three hours at a time in the last decade anyway. 

\- Come. 

The same whisper, over and over again; she stood up, still not sure of what she was doing. Was it right? Should she go? What was she without Susie, without the second part of her soul? She had been incomplete for so long; now that she was whole, unbearable was the thought of being torn apart. It would hurt too much, like a wrench of her skin, as if her heart was being split in two and set on fire for the world to watch it burn to ashes.

She let her steps guide her; she knew she would end up in her lover’s arms. She could sense her presence, so close, her words coming from below, and so she sank into the depths of the building.

\- Come.  
\- I am here. 

Susie turned around; she had took the room Markos occupied, seizing what had been hers the whole time. It had been emptied of its inhabitants, though traces of blood, and a strange atmosphere of morbid peace remained, and now the two of them were completely and utterly alone, so far from the rest of the world that they could do anything; was it scream of pleasure or of pain; and not a living soul would notice. Susie was wearing the same dress than the night before; those dark purple layers of thin fabric, falling heavenly to the floor and revealing most of her body. 

\- Take your clothes off.  
\- Susie shouldn’t we…  
\- Do as I say. Then go lie down on the bed. 

She did. Susie crawled on top of her, her dress still on. She put her fingers in between Veva’s parted lips, then she let them slip lower; on her lover’s chest, then on her stomach, digging her nails in. She put her mouth down on the other woman’s neck, sucking on it like she wanted to leave a mark; maybe to show that she had possessed her, and not the opposite. 

\- Susie, please don’t…

Her words were merely a whisper. 

\- Don’t do that, my love, please.

But Susie did not listen, she continued to let her hands explore Veva’s body, scratching it, savouring it, taking it all in. She was doing it with such greed, but it was as if she did not dare look at her lover’s face; then maybe she would have to admit all of this was wrong. 

\- Susie… 

She was almost incapable of talking at this point, her breathing getting heavier every second. 

\- Why are you doing this to me?  
\- Say I’m the Mother. 

She was softly murmuring her harsh words in the other’s ear, nibbling it. She pressed a knee between her legs.

\- Say it!  
\- You’re… the Mother, my Mother, the only Mother… Now let go of me. 

Veva was trying to tell her; she did not want this, not now, not that way. Though she could not help but do as Susie was telling her; maybe it was some sort of spell, or just destiny bounding then together. Maybe it was all just her who would, no could not bear the thought of losing Susie anymore. Not again. 

She had thought this all before. And still it was as strong as the first time; that fear, that consuming terror, making her do crazy things, act a fool, pray to unknown forces for this not to end. Nevertheless, she had to make Susie understand; she had to explain it all, and hear the other side of this before anything else. Though Susie kept trying to make her let go, trying to get inside. 

\- Ahh Veva, please, let me take you. 

Her tone was sweet, but maybe it was only to obtain what she wanted. She softly planted her teeth in the other woman’s throat. 

\- No. Not yet.

They finally faced each other; eyes meeting eyes. Susie felt a vague wave of anger in such a threat to her authority, though deep inside a knot tightened; she knew she should not, she knew all of this did not need to be done even if she tried to convince herself it did. The truth: was even under torture, even when going through the worst of her, Veva was still there in her arms. She was not only there but ready to fight, to obey, to sacrifice so much, herself even, for a simple reason: they were linked, their fate eternally meant to intertwine until they meld into one. 

Susie sighed, and let herself slip into the comfort of her lover’s arms, her head resting on the other’s chest. She did not feel like explaining, nor confess that there were parts she could not even remember. Bits of her past were coming back to her ever since the day before, like flashes; a bright, blinding light and a few seconds of dizziness, then the sight of a million images. Just like that years of souvenirs were back, and with them the power she had not realise she had missed. 

Just that morning she had one of those episode; she saw Veva’s face, decades ago it must have been, covered in tears, screaming at her, though she could not hear what she was saying. She saw that familiar face burning with rage and pain, she looked so angry, against her it seemed. This had been the most vague and uncertain of those memories coming back, but also the first, of many she was sure, in which Veva was. However she did not need to remember; she already knew her fate was to be with this woman, her and only her, that they had found each other again, even if she did not know how or since when they parted. 

\- What have I done?

Veva stayed there, held Susie in her arms. She did not feel any anger; she never did really, the only thing she did feel was that need to understand, though when Susie collapsed in her arms it had all vanished. She had forgotten why she came, what she wanted, or did not want, or need; it was this union, them, together, that mattered. 

\- I wanted to break you, I wanted… 

It was all clear to Susie now; Veva was not, and never would be, a threat to her, not because she could not, but because she would not. Veva took her lover’s face in her hands, and raised it so they looked in each other’s eyes. 

\- I know. It’s okay. But, please, before the morning arises, I want to know what you know. I want you to tell me everything that went on in your head, about me, about everything: when you knew, since when? Do you remember what you were before? Who you were? 

Veva looked down, and bit her lip. That part was difficult to say; she had to let go of her last defence, but maybe she knew she had already did. 

\- Do you love me? Or did you ever?

Susie was not ready for all of those questions; the answers, or the absence of one, was what scared her the most. And she could not say, or show, that fear; even with Veva, even then, she could not. She detached herself for the other woman’s body, but took her hands, and brought them to her chest. They rested on her heart, which she felt was bleeding inside; damping all of her organs with the blood and tears of all the painful, newfound memories, the burden of ancient lives, the premature grief of every soul, and the terror of losing again.

\- I feel like I’ve always known now, but it wouldn’t be true; I knew I had to see you, and I had to come here, though I didn’t know why. Then I thought: Am I going crazy? Is all this in my head? One night, not so long ago, I woke up and I saw a colourful creature of light on my wall; it was your dream. And I knew it was you who sent it, and why, just like that. There were other moments like that, when I discovered some hidden but obvious truths about myself, about you or this place. And about before… 

Tears were starting to go down her face. Veva was hit by the memory of her, years and years back, her eyes pouring water in the same manner; with her mouth half-opened in some beautiful state of vulnerability, her cheeks growing to a soft tone of red, her hair falling all over, as if they were desperately trying to cover the shame. Beautiful was not a word she used often; she usually loathed it, though now she could not find anything else to describe this sight. She pressed her lover’s hands; as a reassuring gesture, and also an urge to continue.

\- I remember pieces. I feel like my memory was scattered in the wind, and now either I have to reach out for every small detail, or it hits me and I’m left with even more questions. But I do remember most of this life, even the parts I should have forgotten. I remember when we were together, in New York. It all feels like centuries ago. 

She wiped a stream of tears off her cheek. Strangely, even with the streams falling off her face, her voice was still steady, soft but strong. 

\- I don’t know who I was. And now I don’t know who I am. And about love I… I can’t be sure what it is. I feel like I’ve seen it all this time but was never part of it. But now… I know I can’t be anywhere but with you. I need you. 

Even though she tried to contain herself, she kept crying more and more. She closed her eyes for a second, and let out a deep breath. She seemed to have dived into some intense meditation; and Veva watched her closely all this time, a few seconds that felt like days, waiting for something that never came. But it did come. When she opened her eyes, she was calm; no more tears, as she looked at her lover, their foreheads almost touching. 

\- Yes. I love you. Right now, and before, and after, I love you. Through this everlasting mess, even when everything around us is falling apart, I love you.


End file.
